Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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