It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
