I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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