So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
