those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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