**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
