Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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