One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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