What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
