he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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