Will you blow on my dice?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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