if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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