Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
