Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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