I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
