You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
