Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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