what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
