The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
