I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
