I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
