god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
