At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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