she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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