a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
