My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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