If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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