I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
