I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
