so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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