I have demons in me.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
