Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
