some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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