listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Randomize
