I think I died a long time ago.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
