I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
