I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
