Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
