someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
