I looked at my own cervix.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
