I would go down on you faster than GM stock
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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