I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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