i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
