Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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