He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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