dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
