I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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