My friends, they love my intelligence
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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