I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
