I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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