if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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