Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
