Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
