I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
