who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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