I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
