Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
