dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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