I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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