your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
