The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Farmville is her only friend.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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