He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
