Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The best revenge is premature balding
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
