Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I have demons in me.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
