He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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