Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
